Disclaimer: If you are my mother, my father, my in-laws, any male friend or any work colleague or someone who wants to be able to look me in the eyes, DO NOT read this post. If you continue reading, you will need to deal with how you feel after reading it as I can’t erase what you read from your mind LOL
The scene was my OB/GYN’s office two weeks ago. I was sitting there, naked from the waist down, with a red blanket over my knees and lower half. I stared at the ceiling, my hands tapping nervously on the bed underneath me and I blew air out of my lungs as slowly as I possibly could.
Knock, knock, knock.
My OB/GYN walked in and told me she was going to have a little look down “there” in my lady garden. Before she did though, we had this little conversation:
Her: What exactly is the issue?
Me: Well, since the birth of my daughter, my husband and I haven’t really been able to have sex.
Her: Is it painful?
Me: Yes but mostly, it just doesn’t fit.
Her: It doesn’t fit? Like… is it too painful to go in or is it feeling blocked?
Me: Definitely blocked. It doesn’t fit. Even after doing sexercises.
Me: Yeah, sexercises. That’s what my family doctor told me to do. Well, she also told me to just get super drunk and use lots of lube and, “Go at ‘er” but we haven’t got to that stage yet.
Her: *eyeing my diagnosis suspiciously* Well, let’s just take a look shall we?
So, she does the exam and instantly understands the issue. She tells me that I have something called “Vaginismus”, which apparently is the German name for a condition that affects a woman’s ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration (thank you Wikipedia). The reason why vaginal penetration is not possible is the result of a reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the “PC muscle”. The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration painful or impossible.
Breaking it down into plain, non-medical English: my va-jay-jay is an effing ninja.
My OB/GYN goes on to explain that it’s like what happens when something is hurtling toward your eye and you blink without thinking about it. Even if you KNOW something won’t actually touch your eye, you still uncontrollably blink. My vagina is doing the same… it’s doing some massive blinking when anything nears it, sending out a big ol’ NO ENTRY ALLOWED signal to my hubby.
It’s not even something I am consciously doing (which is why my va-jay-jay is now called “Uma Thurman in Kill Bill” or “UTKB”) so it isn’t something I can even stop doing. It’s like my vagina has outsmarted me and I’ll tell you what, it feels really, really awful to think that your lady garden may be more intelligent than your brain.
But I digress…
After she explains all of the medical jargon to me, she goes on to tell me about treatment plans. I have two options depending on how much I want to pay out of pocket. The two options are: pelvic floor physiotherapy and cylinder therapy aka vaginal probe therapy (or what I’m calling it, dildo therapy).
In pelvic floor physiotherapy, I would essentially go in to meet a physiotherapist and I would get an initial assessment and then we would do some exercises. So, in addition to already doing sexercises, I now have to add vaginacises. If this is the route I go, I’m totally getting some new work out clothes and I plan on remixing Fergie so I can give new life to her lyrics of, “Make you work work, make you work.”
In cylinder therapy, aka vaginal probe therapy, aka dildo therapy, I would receive a box of cylinders (dildos) in which I would insert gradually, starting from the smallest to the biggest, until I was able to feel comfortable with the largest size. Then, my partner has to get involved so that I can be sure that I’m comfortable with someone else entering the NO GO ZONE. With this option, I’m going to have to work on my inner being to tie down the ninja (aka UTKB).
Even though all of this sounds absolutely hilarious, and a little scary, I’m trying to use humour through the process so that I don’t cry my eyeballs out. I’m also sharing it with all of the lovely Internet because, well, I’m sure someone reading this is in a similar situation and can relate!
By the way, if you’re reading this and you’ve gone through it, leave a comment below! Especially if you’ve named your ninja va-jay-jay something AWESOME!