In the spring of 2006, my husband and I decided that we were ready to start trying to have a family. Not full heartedly try, but just not prevent any longer. So it came as a huge surprise to me, that a couple days before Father’s Day, I found out that we were expecting a baby! I was pregnant! And in our first month of ’trying’ too! I went out and bought my husband a Father’s Day card, and that is how I told him! We were both so excited! We told our families and friends and they too were so excited!
I didn’t have a family doctor, so I was able to get in with a local doctor and had my first appointment and she went over everything with me, and we booked my next appointment and the appointment for my IPS ultrasound. Everything was going good, my due date was February 19th 2007! I could feel my abdomen swelling slightly, was getting increasingly tired, slightly nauseous but nothing major! Went out and bought a pair of maternity jeans (more so because I wanted the excitement of it, not that I necessarily needed it ).
I went for my IPS ultrasound on August 8th, I remember it so clearly. This location didn’t have the screen for the moms to see, and my husband was not allowed in with me. So the tech started doing the ultrasound, saying she could see our baby! I was so excited! But then she said she needed to get a doctor and wouldn’t tell me anything and she would get my husband. I was so nervous, and alone. When the doctor came in, he said he needed to call my family doctor. My new doctor that I had only seen the once was away on holidays. So he told us the heartbreaking news, that our baby was no longer alive. My uterus and abdomen were measuring at almost 13 weeks, but our baby (fetus) had stopped growing and had no heartbeat and looked to be close to 10 weeks along. We were both devastated. The doctor told us to go home, and that I should start miscarrying anytime.
I couldn’t get in touch with ‘my doctor’, her office wouldn’t return my calls. I knew nothing about miscarriages at all. My friends and family were sorry for us, and didn’t know what to do. I was lost, and felt so alone. I was off work, just waiting for my miscarriage to happen. A week later still nothing. My doctor still wouldn’t see me. I went back to work still waiting. Finally on the 21st, 13 days after finding out, I was told to go to a hospital in Ottawa that evening and I would be admitted for a D&C. Once there I waited. 2 days on an IV, continually being bumped out of line for surgery. On the maternity floor, how unfair was that? I was surrounded by the sounds of babies, while I was waiting for mine to be reomoved. Continuous ultrasounds to see what was going on inside me. My baby still there not wanting to come out. It was horrible. Finally on the 23rd an amazing doctor, Dr. Fiegel from Ottawa came in to see me. He said he recommended taking pills to bring on the labour since I had been waiting so long. He explained everything to me. I had had a missed miscarriage. Basically my body was not aware that the baby had died, and was still acting as though the pregnancy was still viable. There was nothing we did wrong, and he apologized for how I had been treated by ’my doctor’.
So I went home, and gave myself pills vaginally to induce labour. It was the most horrible feeling ever. I was, and am so thankful for my friend who stayed with me and my husband through it all since we were both so scared. After 24 hours I had basically rid my body of the remnants of my pregnancy, but I couldn’t rid my mind and heart of it all. I don’t wish that experience on anyone.
We ended up seeing Dr Fiegel, and he went over everything with us. What we could expect the next time we tried, when to try, and not to be afraid. It was normal. I was so NOT aware how common miscarriages really were. People opened up to me afterwards about their experiences. It is kept so hush hush. According to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network, 1 in 4 families will deal with this type of loss. We were fortunate to get pregnant again in October of that year, 2 months after our miscarriage. We had no problems the whole pregnancy. Although it pained me when February 19th came and went, we welcomed our baby girl into the world July 10 2007.
October 15th is recognized in several provinces in Canada as well as the US and UK. It is a day of remembrance for all of us who have lost a little one. Whether it be at 5 weeks, 13 weeks like us, or further into pregnancy or at birth. It is also a day to bring awareness about this type of loss that is so often not discussed. To offer support to those who have been through it and educate those who have not.
The main idea is for anyone who has lost a child, no matter at what age, light a candle in remembrance of them at 7pm (no matter what time zone you are in) and leave it burning for 1 hour to remember and acknowledge that little life that went way too soon.
I hope that if you are reading this, you never have to go through anything like I have gone through. I have 2 beautiful children, but I won’t ever forget. And if you have gone through a loss, know that you are not alone.
[...] why “The Good” in my title? I had a miscarriage previous to my pregnancies (see October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and Today, I Share My Story) so the constant pregnancy symptom was reassuring (weird, I know!). I also didn’t gain too [...]
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